Getting My MBA

My daughter is 13. She’s a very strong, intelligent, and independent person. I don’t know that many young teenage girls (except for her wacky friends), so I don’t know what’s “normal”. I do know that she’s a joy to be around and that she doesn’t let much get to her.

That’s why it hit me so hard. She was looking quite unhappy one day recently. I asked what was wrong. Typical teenage response, “I dunno.”

Something, I don’t know what, prompted me to ask, “Are you sad because your friends are leaving?” I’ll remember her look forever — a mix of sadness, loss, surprise that I had figured it out, and a last vestige of a childlike awe. Then she let me hug her.

People come and go in life. It’s normal and natural. It was my daughter’s first adult realization of what that means. Going into high school, her group of friends is scattering. Several are going to different private schools, a couple will be going to public school with her, and one has already moved several states away to go to a very prestigious school. My daughter is feeling this pain of separation with a new intensity, born of raw teenage emotions and a very adult understanding. She no longer sees it with the childish belief that things can someday be the same.

She’s growing up.

It hurts.

…when we first try to pay for school.

I had no idea there were so many companies and groups offering scholarships. Likewise, I had no idea that I would even be eligible for so few of them. I’m white, male, straight, and make a reasonable amount of money at my job. I know, I know, I’m privileged and should not complain in any way shape or form. I hope I’m not complaining, I just don’t know how this all works. And I’m having a little trouble keeping everything straight, thank you very much.

I’m playing naïve and applying for a zillion of’em. You gotta know that this will lead to a zillion squared spam emails, right? What can I do, though? I need cash to pay the education monster and I don’t have any. Any extra anyways.

A lot of them require essays. Yikes. That’s a big wakeup call: you’re back in school, moron. Get used to power plays by those who have the power. Power here being money, as is so often the case. Once classes start, power is the privileged demigod who hands out grades.

Speaking of grades, I just found out that my school can kick you out of grad school if your average drops below B+. Yikes! I hope this is a sign of grade inflation. It would be totally embarassing if my kids ever saw me flunking out of college. My oldest, who is struggling with grades despite being a genius, could use that to justify anything.

My parent’s didn’t want us to call ourselves lucky when something good happened. They preferred that we give thanks to a loving God or benevolent Fortune. They were wise and I understand their point.

Today, though, I beg to differ. I fully believe in a loving God, but I have trouble understanding why He would bless me and not others (or vice-versa). Deep down I know that He’s got bigger plans and He’s looking out for our best, not just what we’d like. The best is sometimes (often?) far beyond our current understanding and can only be comprehended looking backwards. Some things we won’t get until we see Him face to face. The danger is that giving God the glory, which He deserves, seems almost like taking it for granted. Of course He’s good. Of course He loves me. So it’s obvious that good stuff is going to happen.

As far as benevolent Fortune, that seems too impersonal — an idealized figure in a toga on a Roman frieze. A handsome, kindly face and eyes without pupils. It might notice you, it might not. It might just be some haze of goodness in the general vicinity, blindly bestowed on whomever wanders by.

Lady Luck, though, makes sense. A beguiling, teasing, cruel taskmaster that nevertheless bewitches. She’s arbitrary and capricious, but she’ll look you in the eye. Most of the time, she’s doing it to see what you do when she isn’t smiling, but she is taking the time to look at you. You can never get complacent; a loving God always loves you, but Lady Luck smiles only now and then. She can be wooed but never won.

So God, please understand. You really deserve the credit, but I’m saying I’m lucky to try to preserve the wonder.

I have an amazing family. I have a wife who loves me (and smiles on me slightly more often than Lady Luck does) and some great kids. Money is often tight, but we have a nice house and I never have to skip a meal because we don’t have food. I get to share my house and life with six other wonderful people who really are fun to be around. It’s not fun to try to get them to clean their rooms, but that’s normal. I enjoy playing catch, running sprints, going to the beach, or just talking to any of them.

I am blessed, fortunate, and lucky. I hope my MBA will enable me to do a better job providing for them.